Feelings

When I decided to write this blog I made a commitment to myself to my 100% truthful at all times. I want this blog to be raw and uncut from how things are really going.

Frustration. 
I am at my max level with the local radiology group for not having my reports to me yet. I was supposed to have them in Friday and here it sits almost Thursday and I have nothing. I honestly wish the radiologist who is taking her sweet jolly time transcribing my report knew how important it was for me to fax my information to Washington. Do they think plane tickets grow out of my ass and poof I can magically fly there for free just for fun on any given day? Honestly, in what world and who do I have to speak to in that world to get some damn results in a timely manner!? Hopefully, tomorrow they get the point with my final phone call. 

Anger
This feeling I can blame entirely on "that time of the month" and my meds. I'm angry that I have to sit here at night and suffer with this pain. I'm angry that this even happened to me again. I'm angry that when one person falls apart everything falls apart and someone just can't pick up a little extra slack. Im angry that I'm whining about being angry. I'm angry that I'm even angry.

Pain
All through nursing school I heard that pain was the fifth vital sign...those peeps weren't lying. Lately, I have been experiencing more and more pain daily and it's beginning to expand away from the shoulder and scapula itself into surrounding muscles and tissue. My biggest issue is that I'm only taking the medicine at night to get to sleep and not during the day, but I won't allow myself to do that unless I'm so in dyer need of it. I always remember saying to myself when someone came in complaining of pain, with no facial signs of pain except just their verbal expression of it, junkie, someone looking for a quick fix. That judgemental attitude is officially out the door. I walk around everyday with a stabbing pain in my back and function as normally as possible until I hit my bed at night...that's when I break down.

Despair 
I have, at this moment lost all feeling of hope. I don't want to accept that this might be forever but I'm stick in the mud and not moving forward. It's a horrible feeling and I hate myself for it but right now I'm just over it all and ready to be alright with a broken shoulder, forever. 
Tomorrow, I might wake up feeling rejuvenated and back to my old self but right now I'm going to sulk in self pity because I have the right too.

Finally, I want to make a very quick note about another feeling that haunts me daily. I questioned myself for a while on whether to share my story thinking I would be scrutinized about it. Some people might say, it's just a shoulder injury no big deal and I agree. I'm alive, healthy for the most part , and going to live through this but I had to realize that people are going to judge me no matter what. My feelings, discomfort, and pain belong to me and I can't be the only one out there suffering from pain that isn't fixable at this moment. I'm not writing this blog for pity, or attention, or anything but bringing awareness to the injury. There has to be some young girl out there who is physically playing here heart out in a sport and displaying the same symptoms I have or maybe it's an older male who has been suffering with the same symptoms who doesn't have the means to search for a doctor to help him. I'm trying to reach those patients and let them know...you're not alone. 

I hope this blog can reach many different people to reach out and seek available treatment for their difficulties in life. No One should have to suffer daily like this, it isn't living and we all deserve to live pain free to our full functional ability.


End emotional hormone raging rant.